Nice Bombs

So, Iraq. I was just saying to U that four or five years ago I would have never imagined myself preparing for a trip to the Near East. It's not that I had anything against it, it's just that I knew very little about it, aside form the images of the Gulf War a ways back (I was pregnant at the time, and cried at the thought of war, every time I saw the images on the news). I had studied ancient world history, of course, and knew that it was the so called "Cradle of Civilization," and I'd read the Epic of Gilgamesh, but I had no idea what the contemporary Middle East was like.

An ex-friend in Undergrad had been a zealous Zionist Israeli girl. She had a passionate dislike for Arabs in general, which I had always thought was quite foolish and racist. When I met my husband and his family I was embraced with a warmth I had never experienced in a lifetime of dealings with most Americans. My love for this new family and for my husband gradually melted away the inherent sort of ignorance of the Middle East within which I had once lived. I became interested in the politics, the music, the art, the history. The complex politics often had me raging mad. The fact that I had known so little and was discovering so much doubled my angst. I wanted more people to be aware. I kept a journal at the time in which I let my opinions fly. This upset someone, and they phoned in an anonymous tip to the FBI, saying that I may be involved in terrorist activity. The FBI agents were very polite when they showed up at my door to investigate the tip.

Anyway, that's just a little background. What else?

U has been talking on the phone endlessly to family members. Those on his mother's side are very worried about us. They feel it's quite dangerous, especially for me as a white American woman. His father, who is to be our guide, is much more optimistic. He says not to worry. I suppose it just depends on where you are and who you speak to. The conditions of Iraq seem to be a highly subjective issue.

I haven't told my family about the trip yet. I already know their reaction. They are bound to freak out completely - especially my grandmother, and probably my mom. They will try to talk me out of it.

How do I feel? That's tough one. The other night U's sister asked him if he's prepared to die to do this movie. He said that if that is our fate, he is okay with it. I was lying in the bathtub when I heard the conversation - neck deep in warm water like a fetus. I asked myself "Am I okay with it?"

I still don't know how to answer. Beyond the mortal danger of bombs and stray bullets, or hostile insurgents, I am worried about how to interact with U's family. This has never been a problem before. I am very quiet and his family don't take offense to that like other people I've known (I'm often seen as a snob because I speak so little in social situations. The opposite is true. I usually like the people I meet. I am just naturally very quiet.). But he and his father sometimes fight. I spent several hours in a car with the two of them on a road trip once and by the time we got home I felt as if someone had been screaming at me all day long. Neither of them even got me involved in their arguments, but just listening to them was emotionally exhausting. My nerves were fried.

I don't think this will happen again. At least I hope not.

U's aunt was saying that she was treated badly when she went back as a teenager. She said that people gossiped about her and said mean things. She said she will never go back. But I'm quite sure the level of gossip among those I will meet could not exceed the level of gossip that goes on within my own family. I'm not too worried. Being kind of a black sheep much of my life has conditioned me to disregard such things.

Then there's a matter of dress. I see images of Iraqi girls in tight blue jeans, looking very Westernized, but I'm told I may have to cover my hair because it's blonde and will draw attention. I don't mind covering up. I like it actually. I always dress modestly. But it seems to be another of the many mixed messages I'm getting about what to expect.

So, I guess that's about it... We've raised almost half of what we need to go. If we don't raise the other half, U may go alone (if at all). This would be extremely difficult for me. Communications are very limited within Iraq, and I would tear my hair out worrying about my husband. I can't imagine being here at home by myself, not knowing where or how he is. Besides, I want to go! I want to form my own impressions! Everything I hear is so contradictory. I want a chance to find out what it's like from my own unique prospective. It will be so fresh to me, and I'll have so much to learn.

Speaking of learning, I'm looking forward to learning a little Arabic. I know only a few phrases such as Ana hebic, and Shookrun.

I guess that's all I have to say for the time being. As soon as we buy our tickets I will know that this is real.

K